Sick

I’m sick of hearing about other peoples’ adventures, or seeing them on social media. Not in the sort of “ugh I’m so tired of this” but in a “I feel like fucking retching because I’m so jealous”.

A friend of mine that lives far away I had a sort of thing with, and then a sort of thing for (read into that as you will) had a lesbian threesome last night. Good for her, she deserves some action and she’s so awful with social situations that I’m glad she’s getting any at all.. but I want to have some fun too. Not necessarily with her, just in general. I’m not the sort of guy who can go to a party and get laid (I was going to say “Every time”, but really, it has never happened and likely never would) but I want that. If not sex, then at least a date once in a while. Just one, maybe every few months, where I know it’s because of interest and not because the wires were misaligned and we showed up for different reasons.

This scenario did do something for me, not out of jealousy for once but envy. I asked someone I am really interested in to see Doctor Strange. I don’t know how it will go, or how she sees me… but we matched on Tinder over the summer so I guess there was something there at one point. Summer being summer, work got its hooks in me and dragged me through the months, making me wish the same things I am aching for now: experiences.

Writing for NaNo has gone south this month (already) because of my writer’s block. I’ll start up again tomorrow, probably, but I’m so far behind that there is no way I can hit 50000 words by the end of the month. All the same, the system isn’t meant to be won but light a fire under your ass to write write write write WRITE.

I’ve had nightmares about the past these past two nights, things that have evoked feelings of nostalgia… mostly of Megan. There was a way I used to hug her at the thighs and lift her up in the air and she would look at me in a certain way that made me weak in the knees, so to speak. I miss that feeling. In my dream, I had done that same lift with a girl I’ve been talking to from Tinder, except I lost my balance. Wonder what that means…

I would write tonight (well, this afternoon) but I have dinner plans with an old friend. Time to try and be busy with my life…

“I wanna taste love and pain/ wanna feel pride and shame/ Don’t wanna take my time/ I wanna live better days/ never look back and say/ it could have been me” – Could Have Been Me by The Struts

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