Morning, Nov 8.

Another night of chaotic, restless sleep and dreams I would rather never have. The imagination of the undersexed, depressed mind of a Canadian 20-something are perhaps expected to be massively fucked up, but really the thoughts and feelings which have conjured the images therein are not wisps of memory and stretches of the imagination I wish to put inside my head.

I had a dream about Holly, my friend who lives far away, and about her all-ladies threesome she was telling me about. In my dream, three videos were posted to some sort of social networking site. Since this friend of mine has a porn blog where she semi-regularly posts her own semi-nude images as well as ones she likes, this isn’t too much of a stretch if it were a throwaway account. The dreamed up video which sticks out is one reminiscent of Requiem for a Dream‘s orgy scene (you know the one if you’ve seen it) and she starts screaming “fu-uu-uuuu-uuuuuuck”. I’ve never heard her voice before, but it felt┬álegitimate. In that dreamVideo, there were more people around than just the two women she had been involved with, like a bunch just watching. I guess I’ve seen too much pornography. The other video I remember was just basic lesbian sex.

I woke up and immediately felt the usual gut feeling of sadness, which has carried over to this morning now that I have woken up entirely. I don’t want to feel jealous or envious of my friend. I don’t want to even think of her like that, yet I do, constantly. It’s futile, and it’s the thing that led to my lovely mental breakdown last year. Since that breakdown, I have come to terms with the fact that nothing will help or fix me no matter how hard I try, because all the counselor does is shove mindfulness and grounding exercises my way. I try them, but when a crisis hits, no amount of practice when I’m feeling regular can help in a triggered mood, for lack of a better term. So to deal with it in the moment, I browsed through Tinder hoping maybe someone interesting would come along. I browsed until there was “no one new around me” and tried to sleep again.

Alex convinced me to go to an Engineering event for UOttawa of which a mutual friend of ours is the organizer. I said I would go impulsively because deliberation is a bit of a cancer for the indecisive mind. I know once the day of the event rolls around I will not want to go, but I will probably go anyway. The girls he has been hanging out with are pretty fun, as well as just being pretty. I don’t really have that much in common with most of them, and the one I do have something in common with is a bit unresponsive over text on a good day, which leaves me feeling low and annoying.

There’s a new Mass Effect game coming out next year (allegedly). In my replay of the trilogy, I’ve just reached my third planet and I feel like there is a lot of grind before anything interesting happens. I want to make Ryder a very different kind of character than Shepard; more civilian and more enamored with space travel than the seasoned soldier/secret agent I’m playing throughout the first three games.

I left school early yesterday because I was feeling off and didn’t think I could make it until 8pm. May as well get a ride. This morning I feel sick as well, but the depressed feeling has been overshadowing it since I woke up. Today is a day off from classes. I plan on cleaning, playing through the game (maybe reaching the end), and organizing my class papers. I’m in too shit a mood to think of writing creatively. I need to find some way out.

Sick

I’m sick of hearing about other peoples’ adventures, or seeing them on social media. Not in the sort of “ugh I’m so tired of this” but in a “I feel like fucking retching because I’m so jealous”.

A friend of mine that lives far away I had a sort of thing with, and then a sort of thing for (read into that as you will) had a lesbian threesome last night. Good for her, she deserves some action and she’s so awful with social situations that I’m glad she’s getting any at all.. but I want to have some fun too. Not necessarily with her, just in general. I’m not the sort of guy who can go to a party and get laid (I was going to say “Every time”, but really, it has never happened and likely never would) but I want that. If not sex, then at least a date once in a while. Just one, maybe every few months, where I know it’s because of interest and not because the wires were misaligned and we showed up for different reasons.

This scenario did do something for me, not out of jealousy for once but envy. I asked someone I am really interested in to see Doctor Strange. I don’t know how it will go, or how she sees me… but we matched on Tinder over the summer so I guess there was something there at one point. Summer being summer, work got its hooks in me and dragged me through the months, making me wish the same things I am aching for now: experiences.

Writing for NaNo has gone south this month (already) because of my writer’s block. I’ll start up again tomorrow, probably, but I’m so far behind that there is no way I can hit 50000 words by the end of the month. All the same, the system isn’t meant to be won but light a fire under your ass to write write write write WRITE.

I’ve had nightmares about the past these past two nights, things that have evoked feelings of nostalgia… mostly of Megan. There was a way I used to hug her at the thighs and lift her up in the air and she would look at me in a certain way that made me weak in the knees, so to speak. I miss that feeling. In my dream, I had done that same lift with a girl I’ve been talking to from Tinder, except I lost my balance. Wonder what that means…

I would write tonight (well, this afternoon) but I have dinner plans with an old friend. Time to try and be busy with my life…

“I wanna taste love and pain/ wanna feel pride and shame/ Don’t wanna take my time/ I wanna live better days/ never look back and say/ it could have been me” – Could Have Been Me by The Struts