Bittersweet endings

I’ve been wondering if it would be too much having the ending to a YA story be bittersweet and even totally tragic. In a lot of my work, I build up a character to tear them down completely as a form of catharsis for my depression, but when it comes to the group I have built for “Super” it might be a little much to have a big chunk of them dying (at least the ones I haven’t already planned to kill of as catalysts to progress the narrative). The end of this story has been haunting me since I drafted the idea, and it’s a thought that comes to me both in real life stories and fictional ones: how did we get here? remember when things were simple? what happened to yesterday to get us to today?

I’ve thought of ending the story as though it were a television series: with a licensed song I might have on my playlist, like ‘Heroes’ or something… the protagonist goes through all the big turning points in their growth, where the won and where they lost battles… ‘Heroes’ always makes me tear up about how it seems Bowie is trying to convince the other person that they can do this, they can make it. I think of Holly a lot when I think of the song, because of our shared struggles… and given how that relationship is going these days, the sense of yesterdays slipping away is only magnified.

Maybe I want a hyperbolic version of my teen years full of ups and downs, losses and gains, big moves and catastrophic failures combined with my emotional and nervous breakdowns from the last few years. Maybe it would be good for teens to see that you can still lose, and not be okay, but you keep going and will maybe one day be alright… I guess I’ll have to ask around.

Sick

I’m sick of hearing about other peoples’ adventures, or seeing them on social media. Not in the sort of “ugh I’m so tired of this” but in a “I feel like fucking retching because I’m so jealous”.

A friend of mine that lives far away I had a sort of thing with, and then a sort of thing for (read into that as you will) had a lesbian threesome last night. Good for her, she deserves some action and she’s so awful with social situations that I’m glad she’s getting any at all.. but I want to have some fun too. Not necessarily with her, just in general. I’m not the sort of guy who can go to a party and get laid (I was going to say “Every time”, but really, it has never happened and likely never would) but I want that. If not sex, then at least a date once in a while. Just one, maybe every few months, where I know it’s because of interest and not because the wires were misaligned and we showed up for different reasons.

This scenario did do something for me, not out of jealousy for once but envy. I asked someone I am really interested in to see Doctor Strange. I don’t know how it will go, or how she sees me… but we matched on Tinder over the summer so I guess there was something there at one point. Summer being summer, work got its hooks in me and dragged me through the months, making me wish the same things I am aching for now: experiences.

Writing for NaNo has gone south this month (already) because of my writer’s block. I’ll start up again tomorrow, probably, but I’m so far behind that there is no way I can hit 50000 words by the end of the month. All the same, the system isn’t meant to be won but light a fire under your ass to write write write write WRITE.

I’ve had nightmares about the past these past two nights, things that have evoked feelings of nostalgia… mostly of Megan. There was a way I used to hug her at the thighs and lift her up in the air and she would look at me in a certain way that made me weak in the knees, so to speak. I miss that feeling. In my dream, I had done that same lift with a girl I’ve been talking to from Tinder, except I lost my balance. Wonder what that means…

I would write tonight (well, this afternoon) but I have dinner plans with an old friend. Time to try and be busy with my life…

“I wanna taste love and pain/ wanna feel pride and shame/ Don’t wanna take my time/ I wanna live better days/ never look back and say/ it could have been me” – Could Have Been Me by The Struts

November 2nd

7am: Wrote 500 words in my first hour being at school for “Super”, including time for distractions. Awesome.

Agents of Shield: Why do we have to wait three weeks to resolve this cliffhanger?

I’ve been wondering how long is too long for a chapter today, especially for this type of story. Each volume in the trilogy has 36 chapters. At first I thought maybe 2000 words each, which would make each book about 72000 words long, not counting interludes, prologues, and epilogues. The problem with this is my first chapter has a good amount of stuff cut out from it so far (Diner, Basement) and I’m bordering on 3000. I guess it wouldn’t be awful to be over 100,000 words long but wow…

I have a counselling session after Celtic Lit today. Glad I’ll get to disappoint someone besides myself today, because I haven’t kept my practicing up for my mindfulness exercises, which I think are bullshit anyway. Breathing into my feelings definitely does not help when I’m in the midst of a crisis anyway. I already know I feel like shit, I don’t need to analyze it like a “curious scientist”, whatever the fuck that means. I know it’s natural and a part of me. But when the world is against me, and I feel like offing myself, no amount of analysis is going to help me through the brick in my stomach.

Lyrics: “So this is what they call/ Another endless night/ So tired of believing /If this is wrong or right/ I think this cause is lost/ I wish that I could sleep/ I feel like some kind of shadow/ Another slave to the week” – No Transitory by Alexisonfire

Halloween

What a fucking bust, man.

Had a Spanish test on today of all days, 6-8, which made sure I couldn’t be home to scare the shit out of children and give out candy. Bummer. Girl I met in Celtic Lit before reading week seems to be very talkative. Might be interesting to see where that goes.

Watched Halloween 3 when I got home. Weird and creepy flick that is simultaneously campy as hell. Instead of watching more horror movies and trying to salvage what bit of my Halloween spirit was left, I decided to start writing my project for this year’s NaNoWriMo.

“Super” is the story of a group of friends who get superpowers and have to deal with rapidly escalating situations. Topics include love, loss, identity, responsibility, and hope. The target audience is young adults, but I refuse to tone down my language use. As most YA books go, this is planned as a trilogy of books taking place in the protagonist’s senior year of high school. Inspirations are all over the map, notably Skins, Misfits, Runaways, and Saints Row 4 (where I designed many of my characters and tweaked their powers).

To help me on the way, I’ve made up a playlist to write to which contains various songs I listened to in high school or which remind me of heroism.

Lyric of the day: “I can’t forget/ The times that I was lost and depressed from the awful truth” – My Heroine by Silverstein